The Bakla and The Gay: While I was being a bakla, she was being gay

Many years ago, while still living in the Philippines, I fell madly in-love with a  man I –  for the sake of this post – would refer to as Jordan whom I met through a common friend. I was 18 years old at the time and so was Jordan. As a young man, Jordan was very good looking and attractive. He possessed a physical beauty so uncommon in the Philippines that commands a second look of admiration from women and men alike.

As a bakla or a Filipino homosexual male, I already knew at a very young age that my infatuation, attraction, and even love for the member of the same-sex will never be equally requited in the same way as my heterosexual counterparts. As it always happened in my puberty, my heart is broken the minute I fell for a man and my falling in love with Jordan was not an isolated case.

At a very young age, I knew instinctively that I am different, that I am not a heterosexual like presumably most people around me. I knew deep in my soul that I am a bakla. Furthermore, I also knew that my baklaness, that my being different, will make me very unhappy, because as a homosexual, I do not have the same chances for happiness as my heterosexual counterparts.

Constitutionally speaking, the basic unit of the Filipino society is family. We are made to believe that our lives can be fulfilled when we get married and have children of our own. Clearly, homosexuals like myself are disqualified from taking this narrow road towards happiness and fulfilment. My deep infatuation with Jordan is a palpable reminder of how my life is doomed to be incomplete because the love of bakla will never be reciprocated.

I opened up with Leslie disclosing to her the predicament in which I found myself, namely, how in-love I was with Jordan. Leslie is a Filipina, also around my age, who grew-up and live in the United States. She was spending her summer vacation that year in the Philippines. Leslie and I clicked well the moment we met and in a short period of time, became really good friends. When I told her about my feelings for Jordan, she listened intensely and I felt how she empathized with the predicament in which I found myself.

After giving me her undivided attention listening to me unload my broken heart, she then asked me whether Jordan was gay or not. Her question did put me off. And while still confused with the question being asked, I answered: ‘No, Of course he is not gay’. Then she replied: ‘oh! Then, that is really unfortunate, there will be no chance for you to be together.’

Why would Leslie inquire about Jordan’s sexual orientation? Wasn’t she listening to what I have just told her? I told her that I was in-love with Jordan. Why would I be in-love with Jordan when he is also gay like myself? Pwede ba… hindi ako kumakain ng sarili kong laman [Please… I do not eat my own flesh].

Of course, I know that Jordan and I will never be together because he is a heterosexual man. That is beside the point. After all, I already made peace that as a bakla, my life will never be romantically fulfilled if romance can be fulfilled at all in the first place. Hypothetically speaking, should Jordan been gay, why would Leslie thought that I would stand a chance to have a relationship with him? Should Jordan been a homosexual myself, then, I would not have fallen in-love in the first place.

Looking back to the conversation I had with Leslie that evening many years ago, with the knowledge, perspectives, and experiences at my disposal, I can fairly assume that I was being a bakla while Leslie, although a heterosexual female, was being gay. Here, the bakla and the gay are not just sexual orientation but also serves as an idea, a theoretical framework if you wish, through which my situation is being apprehended.

As identities, bakla and gay are differently constructed and performed. Each is embedded in an entirely different socio-cultural and geo-political contexts. Little did I know back then that homosexuality is not homogeneous and that it looks differently in different times and spaces. For instance, while gender identity and sexual orientation overlap in the Philippines, they seem to be bifurcated in the US. That in the US, gay men do not necessarily look like women and as such, a relationship between two gay men may not seem to be utterly ridiculous as the a romantic relationship between two traditional baklas might be.