In The Bakla and The Gay: While I was being a bakla, she was being gay, I recounted the conversation I had many years ago while still living in the Philippines with a Filipino-American named Leslie. Leslie lives and grew up in the US and was spending her summer vacation in the Philippines that year. Although we barely knew each other, we clicked so much and instantly became good friends. We became so close that I opened up to her about my being love sick to a good looking man named Jordan.
As I opened up to her, I was really taken aback when she asked whether Jordan was gay like myself or not and how genuinely disappointed she was to learn from me that Jordan is in fact straight. Little did I know back then, that unlike in the Philippines, gays have relationship with gays in the US where she grew up. I put my confusion aside; did not bother to ask for further clarification and just continued with our conversation. Leslie’s response begun to make sense to me after few months when a friend of mine introduced me to the gay pride in Malate, Manila.
I cannot remember exactly when, but it was in the month July for sure. In the Philippines, classes have just started and we were still acclimatizing to the new school year. Terrence, another baklush (slang for Filipino gay man) from another department asked me whether I wanted to join him to this gay parade in Malate. I never heard gay parade before and did not know what it entailed but it nonetheless sounded fun. For that reason, I said yes.
When we arrived in Malate, I was so surprised to see not only how huge the crowd is but how this huge crowd is composed: there were a lot of gays and lesbians congregating in one space. I thought there were a lot of baklas and I am only referring to those quintessentially Filipino gay men like myself who are unmistakably homosexuals or at least un-heterosexuals because of how effeminate and flamboyant we are. There were also those who differently queers who were performing their homosexual identities in fundamentally different ways other than my own. This revelation made me realize that homosexuality is not homogeneous at all. It comes in different sizes, shapes, and colours and that there are different ways of being homosexual.
As a bakla, I never felt so empowered as I was at that very moment. I was so empowered in ways in which I had never experienced nor imagined before. As a young boy, I have been raised believing that there is fundamentally and morally wrong with myself being a homosexual. As such, I never felt that I truly belong until that day when I experienced gay pride for the very first time. In that particular time, I felt belongingness in that particular space.
That moment was like a Plato’s cave moment and an AHA moment at the same time. My old world was instantly and simultaneously disintegrating as I get introduce to a world view I could have not possibly imagined. I saw same-sex couples walking hand in hand and professing their affection publicly without any fear nor shame. I could not believe my eyes when I saw couples of effeminate gay men who were obviously romantically involved as they flaunt their intimacy in public by holding hand in hand and kissing each other.
There are also few white men, also kissing each other, whom I could not believe to be gays because they are paragons of masculinity: their mannerisms are so masculine and their bodies are so muscular. In the Philippines, gays are the opposite of masculinity. We are effeminate, taken many aspects of a woman, and being feminized by the society. By this I mean, society sees us as women-like if not ‘not men enough’. I was so confused and could not believe what I was witnessing while feeling excited and empowered at the same time.
Then, my friend Terrence who brought me to this beautiful occasion explained to me that a bakla having a romantic or sexual relationship with straight men is something of the past. Gay to gay relationship is now the ‘new’ thing. In the western societies for instance, it is quite common that gays get involved with other gay men. That is why we are called homosexuals in the first place, which made sense of course, but not to me at that time because I brought up in a society in which gay men pursue straight men and having a sexual or romantic relationship with other gay men is just repulsive to baklas like myself.
When my friend saw the disbelief in my face, he brought my attention to the white gay couple within our proximity. ‘Look at these men’ he said. ‘They are also gays like us and they are in a relationship’. I said ‘What? But they do not look like gays’ I said. He explained that in some societies, mainly in Western societies, gays look differently than gays in the Philippines. This event brought me back to the conversation I had with Leslie couple of months ago. All of a sudden, I understood her question whether Jake – the man I was infatuated with – was gay or not despite that first, I was in love with Jake and second, Jake does not look like gay at all.
The first time I have witnessed gay pride made a huge impression in my teenage mind. It has altered my perspective in life and discovered many things. Aside from possibility of gay to gay relationships and that homosexuality is not homogeneous, I have also learned that in some other countries such as The Netherlands and Belgium, same-sex marriage has already been legalised. For a young gay man like myself who has somehow started to believe that homosexuality is outside the parameters of the wholesome world, learning of same sex marriage in far away places is just as revolutionary as it is liberating. It was the beginning when I began to fantasize and romanticize that utopian place which would later become my host country.
The Baklush Phenomenology Blog 